Towards the End of a Story

Dear Jessie,

You know me, you know that I am usually pretty good at not thinking about things that I can’t change, things like the idiocy of people and time passing. (My motto in swimming: Your feelings are irrelevant.) But now I guess this doesn’t mean that I don’t think about them when there are consequences. It recently began to hit me more and more that the end of college will mean real change, for the first time in a long, long time, and I might not be as well-equipped to handle it as I thought I would be.

Even though for now, I can’t even conceive what the days will be like after swimming season ends, in exactly a week.

I don’t even have that many friends at school, but the idea of not having them around in a ten-minute radius was the first truly frightening thought.

Long-distance friendship has it easy in this respect. We never have to make the transition from physical to virtual because it has always been virtual. Nothing is hard once you get used to it. But meanwhile.

Am I being too sensitive? Maybe normal people have already experienced this once at the end of high school.

I try not to think about markers: the last test set (even though I hate test sets), the last Wednesday practice, the last Saturday morning practice, the last cool-down, the last shower.

But still I was a little regretful when I missed practice this morning because I was too sick to get out of bed. Afterwards, C— texted me to say they were going to Park Place for bagels. I thought that might be my chance to somehow still participate in the Last Saturday Morning. (Practically, I also needed to get my water bottle because I left it at D—’s a few days ago, and motion sickness pills for Ithaca.)

I want everything to be forever or not at all.



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